Three Feats of Manliness

It was the summer before junior year of high school. The fog-like, Lake Michigan humidity hanging in the air made the heat even more unbearable. Despite this, the air-conditioned sanctuaries of basements could only alleviate our boredom for so long. Naturally, in a quest for something to do without having to spend our allowances on precious gasoline, we ventured into the “wilderness” that is the forests and prairies of northern Illinois.

It was agreed upon by my three closest friends (Griffin, Keller, and Patrick) and me that we owed it to ourselves to enter the second half of our high school careers as “real men.” For us, this meant that by the end of the summer, we would each complete three Feats of Manliness. What constituted a Feat of Manliness was completely subjective, (and often spur-of-the-moment), and was deemed Manly by the performer of the act and also must have been affirmed by his three peers. For all of us, they varied greatly, and at this point in time as I reflect I don’t remember all nine that weren’t my own. However, I do know that all three of my friends completed theirs and were ushered into junior year as men.

Feat 1: The Beast

On one particularly muggy day in June, Griffin, who of the three I was closest to, and I went into the enormous soccer complex behind our neighborhood. It consisted of gigantic open fields scattered amongst a fairly dense forest. This forest provided the ideal shade to escape the moist warmth that permeated everywhere else that wasn’t shaded by a canopy of trees. There was a spot in the forest with a large, dead tree that was ideal for climbing and relaxing on. We ventured inward, deeper into the woods, a stick in each of our hands (for use as a sword or staff or walking stick or whatever our imagination would allow). As we meandered about, daydreaming and enjoying the splendor of the woods, there was a rustling in the bushes near me. Griffin and I froze. The bushes kept rustling. I slowly approached the bush, gripping the stick tightly as a katana. Suddenly, the bush exploded and a masked varmint jumped out at me. As a reflex, I instinctively swung at my assailant and struck it clear in the chest, deflecting the creature and sending it to the ground. As I regained my senses, I saw that it was a raccoon, and was briefly stunned. As I crept towards it, my “blade” still raised, it rolled over, and scurried stumblingly away.  I turned around, only to see Griffin standing there speechless, slightly awed. We simultaneously conceived of the idea that this defense was my first Feat of Manliness.

Feat 2: The Arbor

On the other side of town, away from the woods surrounding the soccer complex, is a county-managed forest preserve, with a Frisbee golf course winding through it. This was also a favored activity of our foursome in the summer as it was free, outside, and was an easy way to kill an hour or two and still get exercise and work on our tans. On the ninth and final hole, there was a river which wound through the forest preserve. One day, some several weeks after the completion of my first Feat, and with the others having completed several of their own—fixing a vintage car, building a tree fort (relatively close to the scene of my first Feat), and others—we decided to explore the area around the river, essentially following it for several hours. Eventually, the ground on our side of the river wasn’t fit for traveling on, so we decided to try the other side. However, we couldn’t find an acceptable spot to ford the river. Then I noticed it: a solution. There was a tree growing right next to the river, which if felled, would make the perfect bridge to the other side. The next morning, I returned to that spot, with an axe and determination. After arriving at 10 AM, I spent close to 5 hours chopping away. In retrospect, this was most likely illegal as the tree was part of the forest preserve and therefore property of the county, but at the time it didn’t matter. I chopped nearly all the way through, and paused with just enough of the trunk left so it would fall the correct direction. I brought the other three back the next day and they all approved of it as my second Feat of Manliness.

Feat 3: The Cuban

As the summer was coming to a close, and August was well under way, it seemed like a sad reality that I may not complete a third Feat of Manliness. Thankfully, I wasn’t alone: nobody had completed a third and ultimate Feat. Classes would start in about a week, and we would be back to the humdrum of high school life. In what seemed like an all too fitting Deus ex machine, Keller brought us all Cuban cigars that a relative of his had given him as a gift. So, while sitting out by Keller’s pool on a cool summer evening, the four of us smoked our first Cuban cigars, and celebrated our own passage into Manliness. This validation, meant little, but it gave us something to strive for over the summer, and gave us a sense of pride, and bonding, that we hadn’t had before.